You’ve seen them on the telly; but now Bullshire Online can exclusively reveal the truth; as we spend a day with an Elite Bullshire Police Detective!
That’s right. In this shocking exclusive which is sure to shock previously un-shocked onlookers, we sent a Bullshire Online Reporter to spend a day with an Elite Bullshire Police Detective.
Here’s what they experienced!
I turned up at a ‘Centralised Investigative Services Hub’ miles and miles from everywhere; unsure what to expect for the ‘Afternoon Shift’ ahead of me.
Unable to gain access to the building I buzzed a buzzer and was talked down to by someone who said he was an ‘Elite Detective’.
The ‘Elite Detective’ refused to buzz me in or come down to the door; and advised me to call 101 and ask a Bog Standard Response Officer to come and do his job for him.
After spending half an hour waiting to get through to 101 and summoning a Bog Standard Response Officer to drive 90 miles to come and let me into the ‘Centralised Investigative Services Hub’ I finally managed to get inside.
A swarm of arrogantly smirking winkle-picker-clad blokes mainly ignored me. It was obvious that these were the Elite Bullshire Police Detectives I’d heard so much about from following the Bullshire Police Facebook page.
Occasionally, one of the Northface clad undercover coppers scowled at me; until, finally, one of them deigned themselves to talk to me.
I pulled up a chair and sat next to the Elite Detective. He refused to talk to me. Apparently it’s not within his remit to talk to people.
The Elite Detective grunted as he clutched a mysterious blue book.
I saw the Elite Detective unlock a drawer beneath his desk, switch off what looked like his walkie-talkie, place it in the drawer, then lock the drawer.
I notice a skinny blonde young woman clumsily wandering around aimlessly. She’s also clutching a mysterious blue book.
I realise that she’s a Non-Male Elite Bullshire Police Detective.
She isn’t too bad looking; and I form the opinion that she was promoted from the lower rank of Bog Standard Response Constable within a few days of being in the job to the higher rank of Elite Detective Constable.
I can hear her talking to some of the men in the office. It’s clear that she’s a bit thick and that she was promoted to the higher rank based on her physical appearance alone.
She sits at a desk not too far away from me and I can hear her struggling to recite the ‘Police Caution’. Apparently she must learn this ‘Police Caution’ if she’s ever going to arrest someone. To be honest, I don’t think she’ll ever learn it; because she really is the dimmest woman I’ve ever seen.
I can see why she was promoted though because her legs look well nice in the heels she’s wearing.
Telephones were ringing out constantly; but, apparently, it’s not within Elite Detectives’ remit to answer the telephones.
I sat in silence, too afraid to talk to this strange breed of Police Officer.
I decided to call it a day.
It appears that ‘Elite Bullshire Police Detectives’ do pretty much fuck all except strut around with an arrogant air of superiority.