We spent a day on patrol with a Bullshire Police Dog Handler – Here’s what we experienced!
Our Bullshire Online Reporter reported for duty at Bullshire Police Headquarters at 2:55pm on a Saturday afternoon; ready for an ‘Action Packed’ shift with a Bullshire Police Dog Handler.
Saturday afternoon shifts usually start at 3pm and, for Elite Dog Handlers, end at 11pm because; apparently, they have to allow their dog to have a shit or something. We don’t really know.
Our reporter’s initial nerves were soon settled when they met the Elite Dog Handler they were going to spend the adventure-packed shift with.
The shift starts with the Elite Dog Handler and his Landshark having their hair done. It’s vital that Elite Dog Handlers and Landsharks look their best when on duty.
Bullshire’s Elite Dog Handlers share the same ‘Duty Preparation Salon’ as their Elite Firearms Officers.
It’s off to the ‘Dog Van’ we go. I sit in the front. The Landshark sits on the Elite Dog Handler’s lap; slobbering absolutely everywhere and, occasionally, staring at me and grinning.
The van absolutely stinks of shit; but the Elite Dog Handler tells me it’s actually his arse that stinks because he had “dirty refs” last night.
The Elite Dog Handler tells me he’s received ‘Intelligence’ from a ‘Reliable Source’.
I feel a surge of adrenaline, expecting us to soon be driving towards a drug dealer, car criminal or violent criminal we need to arrest using a Landshark to bite them or something.
“…I’ve recently received intelligence from a reliable source which I need to investigate further.
That’s right, I’ve heard that a new Student Constable has started at one of the nicks and that she has a cheeky smile and nice tits.
I can’t confirm it, but I’ve also heard that she doesn’t look shit in Police trousers like most of the female policemen do…”
Off we drive towards the police station, in the hope of tracking down the female policeman the Elite Dog Handler has heard about.
We reach the police station where the hotty is supposed to be. The Elite Dog Handler checks his hair in the mirror and, after letting his Landshark out, we begin to track the totty.
We find the fitty but it becomes clear that she’s already shagging an Elite Firearms Officer.
The intelligence was accurate, she does have a nice arse; but, because of the stabvest, I couldn’t really see her knockers.
Just then, a blonde catches the Landshark’s eye and off we go in hot pursuit.
This blonde is as fit as. She’s already a ‘Sergeant’ but, for some strange reason, she’s in uniform. Usually, fit female policemen are promoted to the higher rank of Elite Detective Constable and never have to wear a uniform ever again.
The Elite Dog Handler moves in anyway.
9PM – BLOWN OUT!
Sadly, it turns out that the fit blonde Sergeant is already married to an Inspector; but she’s having an affair with the Detective Chief Inspector in the hope of blagging a promotion to Detective Sergeant.
She’s certainly fit enough, let me tell you!
The Landshark clocks a skinny blonde carrying a mysterious blue book. It turns out that she’s an Elite Detective Constable.
Elite Detective Constables are higher rank than Bog Standard Response Constables.
The Elite Dog Handler decides to give her a miss; because, although she has a nice pair of legs, she’s as thick as shit.
Besides, she’s already shagging two other Elite Dog Handlers, her Detective Sergeant, four Bog Standard Response Officers, two Control Room staff and 4 shifts’ worth of Elite Firearms Officers.
10PM – “WASP CHEWER”
The Elite Dog Handler tells me he’s feeling horny and that any bird will do.
He clocks a happy female policeman and makes his way across; strutting in a bid to reveal how massive his bollocks are.
The happy female policeman didn’t look too bad from behind.
But JESUS CHRIST!
When you look at her face, it’s as if she’s chewing a swarm of wasps.
I almost turn to stone under her icy stare.
It’s back to Headquarters we go, where the Landshark has a shit.
It’s been an adrenaline-filled shift with the Elite Dog Handler and his Landshark.
I’m told that it’s very rare that Elite Dog Handlers actually go to crime-related incidents; but that they usually get at least one phone number of a bird per shift.